Reprise: When The Natives Are Restless, Dazzle Them With Fireworks

Yooze people spend hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office to watch crappy remakes from the uncreative, untalented Hollywood money-mongers. Here's a freebie from July 2005. Pretend it's new. Make your own damn popcorn.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Happy 4th of July.

"The history of the present King…is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States."

Over a period of 229 years we have become independent of one sovereign rule only to become hostage to another. We gained freedom of religion so we can decimate foreign lands to prove that our god is better than their god. We are free to speak, and the CIA and FBI are free to document our speech in their files. We are free to assemble as long as we have purchased the necessary permits and acquired the proper security clearances. We are free to attend parades displaying political propaganda and military might. We are free to take ownership of our health and welfare while our government is free to take ownership of our property to build a WalMart. We are free to fly an American flag, the manufacture of which was the first example of outsourcing.

"…all men are created equal." Line up according to net worth, and equality will be dispensed while quantities last. No rain checks. Thanks for playing.

I am patriotic. I am patriotic for the memory of a nation that once was but is no more. A strong people...resolute, resourceful and self-sufficient…once populated and governed this country. But my country has been sold, in a leveraged buy-out, to the pedigreed 1% that hold title to my freedom, my property and me. I am not patriotic with them; I am patriotic in spite of them.

"He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance."

While some civil servant at the Department of Homeland Security documents this essay in my dossier, I’m going to mow my lawn. Maintenance of curb appeal should lend me illusory negotiating clout when my property is targeted for eminent domain proceedings.

"A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

For a spine-tingling experience, take a fifteen minute recess from today's celebrations and read the entire text of the Declaration of Independence. I did. I feel a bit nauseated.

Deja vu. Happy 4th of July.