PUBLIC NOTICE: Change in Policy for Medical Personnel

Step away from your computer monitor and shield the ears of your young ones. This could be a messy tantrum.

I just received the annual renewal notice from my health insurance carrier, Bob’s Insurance and Live Bait Emporium. Bob was made aware of my existence 12 times this past year, when he electronically zapped into my checking account in the middle of the night and removed my premium payment. He received no claim forms and nary a single question about my coverage. I continued to maintain my healthy diet and exercise regimen, and I feel somewhat neglected in that he never complimented my efforts to please him. However, in the love letter I just received, he expresses his deep affection for me and gushes with the anticipation of our continued close relationship. He has offered to remain my very bestest friend in the world in return for a 17% premium increase and 33% deductible increase for the next year.

Apparently Bob is on a mission to creep my deductible up to $250,000, which is my life’s market value according to the mathematical computations of the physicians who are vehemently lobbying for tort reform in my state.

Congratulations, Bob, for having cherry-picked an insurable risk that has rewarded you with an infinite return on investment. Your Chief Underwriter and Bait Inspector should be bonused handsomely for caving in to my pleas for crappy, overpriced health insurance coverage. May you be blessed with many more years of my good health before I am stricken with the illness or injury that will precede the cancellation notice bearing my name. And my medical professional thanks both of us in advance for the red Carrera convertible that my misfortune will deliver to his door.

The following may contain scenes of graphic violence. Parental discretion is advised.

The next time a Mercedes/Hummer/BMW/Porsche-driving doctor whines about his spiraling cost of medical malpractice insurance while within earshot of me, he will be duly rewarded with a Brooks Brothers shirt painted with blood and flying snot from his own nose. I will raze his delicate facial features with surgical precision. I have nothing to lose. As a prison inmate, I will be enrolled in the only comprehensive health insurance program in this country.

Consider yourself served. I am everywhere, I am listening, I am fit, I am strong, I am pissed. Sleep with your eyes open and don’t travel alone. I am ready to test for my Felony Merit Badge. Don’t fuck with me, doctor.

And, Bob, please continue to check in monthly. I promise to love, honor and cherish you, in below-the-deductible sickness and in health, until a claim do us part.