Set The Bar Low...And Miss It

2008 is a long way off, and much damage is yet to be done before we get there, but at least it buys us some time to assess and revise. Unlike the Titanic, we didn’t smash into the iceberg head on. We are slowly dragging the hull across that mountain of ice, accompanied by the screeching and groaning of shivering, contorting metal. We will survive, the ship will be repaired, and the Captain will be forced into retirement. We can analyze the events that led to the near-disaster and learn to avert them in the future.

We can keep this barge of a nation afloat for many more voyages if we never again elect a dumb President.

dumb, a. stupid; moronic. [Colloq.]

It’s not about party politics. Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Green Party; the choices among political platforms are as varied as the choices among bottled waters. But, if we are unable to pare down the ranks of candidates by eliminating the dumbbells,

dumbbell, n. a dullard; a stupid person. [Slang]

how on earth are we to be entrusted with analysis of the issues? With the vast pool of intelligent, educated men and women populating the United States of America, how is it that we settle for a dumb guy in the White House? How is it that we tolerate a man who is prideful of the fact that he doesn’t read newspapers, and admonishes his staff to never bring him bad news?

If we have had dummies in the Oval Office before,

dummy, n. 1. a stupid person. [Slang] 2. tool of another.

we clearly survived their tenure. If we have had dummies in the Oval Office before, we must have learned something because, for at least the past forty years, we were doing a pretty good job of firewalling the place from dumb incumbents. Clinton was horny, Bush Sr. was wimpy, Reagan acted dumb in fox-like fashion, Carter was timid, Nixon was criminal, LBJ was vicious, and JFK was horny, but none of them were dumbbells. I’d continue, but we’re back at the top of the list with horny.

If you graduated from high school when pants were worn above the ass-crack, you will note that I skipped Gerald Ford. He was dumb, but we didn’t elect him. Pass Go, collect $200.

Granted, we weren’t offered much of an alternative in 2004. Kerry the Candidate was a multi-faced, wavering, noncommittal, posturing weasel with no balls. But he wasn’t dumb. And the ketchup lady had balls. I think Theresa’s balls trump dumb, and I think Kerry may have screwed up a lot of things, but not because he’s dumb. He would know when he screwed up, because he would read it in the newspaper or be told by aides.

We don’t have that luxury now. The President is so anesthetized by lack of intellect that he doesn’t know he’s dumb. The Vice President knows it, though. The Veep need only pop out of hiding every four years, wave at the boss, and pick up his mail. Dumb bosses don’t disrupt your free time.

I shouldn’t have a President who stacks the deck with handler-picked constituents at town hall meetings. I shouldn’t have a President who delivers press conferences to the press of his choosing. I shouldn’t have a President who blindly stammers through a State of the Union Address like a child mouthing a memorized recitation at the third-grade Christmas play. I shouldn’t have a President who is President of a select club of citizens. I shouldn’t hear the eggs frying in that "this is your brain on drugs" commercial every time my President speaks. I deserve better.

You do, too. Dumb people should never be President.