Drop The Book, Or I'll Shoot

Illinois House Resolution 0186, April 2005:

"WHEREAS, In 1999, more than 3,400 pupils between five and 16 years of age, inclusive, sought treatment in hospital emergency rooms for injuries related to backpacks or book bags according to the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission; therefore be it RESOLVED, BY THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE NINETY-FOURTH GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF ILLINOIS, that we request the Illinois State Board of Education to conduct a study of the issues involved concerning the weight of backpacks carried by elementary and secondary school pupils and consider adopting maximum weight standards for textbooks…"

Apparently our kids are being crippled, before our very eyes, by the physical weight of academia. My state’s legislature, our very own Ministry of Silliness, is poised to tackle heavy backpacks with a Schiavo-like fervor.

"WHEREAS, Backpacks of elementary and secondary school pupils often contain textbooks, binders, calculators, personal computers, lunches, a change of clothing, sports equipment…"

Not to mention cell phones, iPods, Ritalin, Zoloft, handguns, ammo clips, pipe bombs…

"WHEREAS, Chiropractors and pediatricians recommend that backpacks not exceed more than fifteen percent of a pupil's body weight…"

Finally! The fat kid’s revenge! Spending the entire summer vacation snarfing Whoppers and Ding Dongs while playing video games has a scholastic payoff. An academic advantage via obesity. With the fifteen percent load limit in place, Porky can haul books like an eighteen-wheeler while the scrawny kid is sent home with a spiral notebook and a number 2 pencil.

Skinny kids will be shaken down by border patrol agents manning the perimeters of school grounds. They’ll be weighed, relieved of contraband textbooks, and charged with misdemeanors for attempting to abscond with scholastic payload in excess of the weight limit. Ectomorphic kids will be mainlining steroids to bulk up for final exam preparation. They’ll pay mules to ass-smuggle textbooks through kiddie customs. "I tried to make the honor roll, mom, but I got busted tunneling out with a history book. I’m just not big enough to study!"

The Illinois General Assembly is opening a can of worms. Will we administer ACT exams by weight class to compensate for the unfair homework advantage held by hefty students? Otherwise, skinny kids won’t matriculate at their college of choice, and will be relegated to working at McDonald’s and Dairy Queen. Such a cruel and ironic fate! The fat kids will become doctors, and the new food pyramid will be shaped like a hot fudge sundae.

Gain three pounds, carry another book. Chubby kids will emerge as intellectual prodigies, aided and abetted by funnel cake vendors. Libraries will ban wiry patrons for fear of being shut down by sting operations with scales. Parents will chide their children to skip the vegetables and take another helping of dessert. Choco-Tacos will be the new brain food.

I’m damn proud that my state legislature is the first to recognize the horror of heavy textbooks piled upon lean physiques. Illinois is bellying up to the bar to lift the ponderous weight of literacy from the backs of slender children. If we can’t ban the dirty books, we’ll just ban the heavy ones.