Civics 101, Texas Style

When I was a kid, I had to pass the "Constitution Test" to graduate from high school. I also learned esoteric reading, writing, and arithmetic skills, which have since become technologically obsolete. Likewise, my Constitution knowledge has become politically outmoded.

Our country has three branches of governance: Executive, Legislative and Judicial. Theoretically, the three branches are independent and serve as checks and balances against one another. Heh-heh.

The Chief Executive of the Executive Branch, you see, is the guy who wins a quadrennial game of rock-paper-scissors. He wins the right to do anything he wants to do. He can avenge his daddy’s enemies, push Jesus on Muslims, reign disgust upon queers, meddle in the personal trauma of a Florida family, and take lots of vacations. Not only can he do anything he wants to do, he can take his friends with him.

Who are his friends? They are the majority membership of the Legislative Branch. So they can also do whatever they want. They can change rules to permit felon friends of the Executive Branch to serve in the Legislative Branch. They can muster heroic Saturday sessions to meddle in the personal trauma of a Florida family. Sure, there are members of the Legislative Branch who are not friends of the Executive Branch, but they are relegated to the role of the fat kid who doesn’t get picked in gym class.

The Executive Branch and Legislative friends choose the hall monitors of the Judicial Branch, so the hall monitors are also friends of the Executive Branch. The hall monitors live a Vatican-like existence and wear scary black robes. Their job is to deflect any imposition upon their time and pose for a class picture every year. The class picture also serves as a head count to make sure none of the hall monitors have died and must be replaced. The hall monitors preside over the Judicial Branch field offices, which are staffed via uncontested democratic election. The field workers are forced to dwell amongst the populace and wear robes with embroidered targets. They are the clay pigeons for people who are driven to hysteria by the actions of the Executive Branch and Legislative friends. Not only do the field workers duck bullets, but they also have to endure the minimization of their efforts by the Executive Branch and Legislative friends. If the field workers litigate and adjudicate an issue and the Executive Branch and Legislative friends don’t like the result, the Executive Branch and Legislative friends can, for example, call a heroic Saturday session and meddle in the personal trauma of a Florida family.

In summary, the Executive Branch and Legislative Branch enjoy one another’s companionship, and the Judicial Branch provides class pictures and target practice. In concert, they assure the citizenry of its right to pursue happiness in a god-loving, heterosexual and pro-life manner.