Are You Fucking Blind?

The Associated Press reports that the government has ordered impotence drug warning labels to indicate that some users have developed a form of blindness known as non-arteric anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAION). NAION manifests itself as sudden vision loss when blood flow to the optic nerve is blocked, and is considered one of the most common causes of sudden blindness in older people. Risk factors include diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and OLD AGE.

Need we accumulate any more "hard" scientific evidence before halting the consumption of boner pills by fossilized old men?

What motivates a physician to prescribe pocket-rocket fuel to an anthropological relic with three stints in his chest, a medicine cabinet filled with blood pressure meds and an insulin pump permanently installed in his onion-skinned belly? Father Time can’t digest solid food, but he wants a solid member?

Take a hint, grandpa. When your little soldier is humming Auld Lang Syne it’s time to reconcile yourself to the fact that your memories have been made. Bread doesn’t cost a nickel anymore, penny candy costs a buck, the coal bin is empty and your peenie is but a placeholder in your diaper.

When you are the only patron at Country Buffet who isn’t aware that you pissed your pants, you are done screwing. If you can’t find the toilet with your molten piss stream, how do you expect to find Hazel’s dry gulch when you’re blind and blood-engorged?

When you sit on the stool in the next aisle of the YMCA locker room, and I have to be careful not to step on your balls, your money shot days are over. You could complete an elder hostel rug-weaving course in the time it would take your goo to reach the summit of that gravity-defying climb.

Have you been signaling a right turn since the last county because you are blind, or is your ancient magic-stick jamming the turn signal? Prop that petrified lumber against the accelerator pedal and coax your Seville up to 19 miles per hour!

Is it not enough that you are confounded by the everyday Rubik’s-Cube-like obstacles presented by traffic signals, ATM machines and door locks? Do you now have to direct your remaining nominal blood flow from your eyes to your liver-spotted wee-wee? When a plant dies, you can stop watering!

So now I not only have to be paranoid about potential terrorist acts, but I also have to guard against blind, geriatric, skeletal human shells cattle-prodding their way through grocery lines with a built-in curb feeler.

If you went to school with Abe Lincoln, a withered wonder-wand is just a hint that you have started the decomposition process. Moisten the reed on your death rattle and tune it in the key of C-ya.

And watch where you’re pointing that thing. You could put an eye out.